The Journey “ Unforgettable”

The Journey “ Unforgettable” :

Hanging from the door of the huge bus I was wanting to bid her good bye: In fact I was willing to go after her, I was waiting for her to turn around and wave hand for me till the time she was in my sight, and my hand got tired of bearing load of body and shocks of the bus. I felt something wet coming in my eyes and making my sight more blur, but she did not turn. Though her feet went slow, might be my optimistic imagination to make myself comfort.

I went striding to my seat, and got lost in memories:

Before around four hours:

This is the month of June it being my nomadic nature I am visiting my all relatives these holidays. After seeing my uncle Delhi it is time to see another uncle in Chandigarh.

I get into a bus, always prefer to sit in the last seat, because if nobody comes, I can sleep off, but never been fortunate whole the way.

Sitting on last seat wearing white hood t-shirt and jeans, chain and all weird things, keeping log hair wishing any beautiful girl to sit beside me and ….(So high expectations ..Eh!)

After the bus is about full, there comes a girl not drop dead by definition, not fair as I am, but tall and having strange cuteness in her face. She is wearing green yellow Kurta and Patiyala Salawar (the only type I know , because of Patiyala peg..!) , flat sandals , white Chunari.

My heart started thumping; I shrink myself so that she sits with me. She comes with kind of impatience and vulnerability near me, but sits with an aunty with kid just next to me. (Sh** but….Fair enough security is priority middle of the night for girls.)

I am resting on my seat, trying to have her glimpse, and trying to establish connection through eyes but futile, she doesn’t turn my side, nor she talks to the lady, calm like deep water, people may say expression less but I find it interesting. (Moreover bit insulting: A handsome boy is sitting next to you and not turning once to him, I think only Salman, John come under my category because of my friends flattering and praise of my body all that …but its ok). Whatever I was not getting what I always wish a beautiful girl sharing my seat.

I sleep off thinking all that stuff, so the other passengers. Don’t know how much time passed but I hear a ear piercing cry, generating form girls side, ( Oh hell.!!! The kid is showing his presence): I am irritated so is the girl as well as all passengers. Somehow I manage to sleep.

In a short while I feel a little heat on my left hand, it is perfect contrast; my right body is freezing because of bus window and left side warm. What serendipity..!!!, she is sitting with me quite close. (Thank God..!!)

What I see: My shy nature is overtaking me, I am quite sweating inside. My vulnerability is palpable. In the dark bus everyone sleeping, my condition is known to me and god or probably to her, but still no reaction from her. Night is passing and I feel a strange radiation coming form her which was mesmerizing me.

First time my all wild thoughts about a girl in my vicinity vaporize. All what is coming in my mind is I just want to be in this trans and time should freeze.

Some times lamppost light is getting soaked by her glowing face, I pretend sleep and steal glimpse of sleeping beauty. (God please don’t wake her up).

After sometime my heart beats get normal and darkness of night reaches to its peak, my eyelids get heavy and I sleep off. I dream something and wake up feeling some hot soft thing in my hand. I see her hand on my left thigh and my hand over hers.

First time in my life I touch any girl, and who is strange to me, all inadvertently. I say in my head “Don’t girl have bones in hand, she is so dam soft” I could feel the rhythmic beets of her heart on her hand. (But What the hell happened to my heart: why it is speeding up). Unfortunately she pulls off her hand leaving my heart unattended.

I again close my eyes, but after some times she puts her head on my shoulder, her hot breathe hitting my neck. It tickles, but somehow I control so that she doesn’t wake up. Now my eyes don’t support me and start getting closed, soon after the situation is: her head on my shoulder and my head on hers. I am half asleep, the fragrance of her hair intoxicating me, and our head are colliding with the bumps of bus. I feel like in heaven.

I don’t know what happened but now I feel her breath on my face and our nose is colliding: I do not courage to open my eyes. (Why should you drop yourself form heaven).

Time passes on and once my nose doesn’t collide but a part of my lip touches hers instead: we both do not wake up. (I think we didn’t want to)

The intimacy goes on and her hot lips tenderly land up on mine. I reach to my ecstasy acme. My hot blood is reaching to every part of my body, ears are red hot, and can feel the thumping of heart at any where form head to toe.

Our lips are gently locked together, the bumps of the bus fails to break that soft but strong bond. (First time I feel lips have better work to do than just being gates of stomach)

Every part of my body is frozen so is hers; this bond is ephemeral I know, but I don’t want to break till doom day. But truth start percolating through and the cruel time starts shaking bond and the distances between our lips grows from millimeters to centimeters to the inches. I want to embrace her into my arms forever, but my hands do not move. I want to talk to her, but my lips are tight. I want see her, see her in front of me forever but my eyes do not open. With all these thought in my mind some hormones are rushing into my body, mind doesn’t know what to do. Finally heart decides to cry, without intimidating mind, but my eyelids are wide enough to keep the salt water flood.

Sun knocks at my window with pink red rays to get me out of Trans. I prefer to see rosy face rather pink light of dawn. I am wishing “God please don’t wake her up”.

My wishes are not strong enough I think: the bus stops suddenly and there start commotion on bus; conductor starts shouting some “ ….Path …sonipath panipath don’t know “ I am still lost in her.

She wakes up sees me: I want to see that love in her eyes; I give her a smile, but no reply form her in fact no expressions. She combs her hair with fingers, I like it but falling hair on her one side of face liked more.

She scurries and goes to the gate; I can’t stop my self and follow her. She gets down I am hanging form front door. She starts walking with beautiful gait, lost in her I block the gate, some uncle says “ Beta utaroge kya?” . I hang myself on one hand giving him way.

Bus honks horn and start moving slowly. I see her blur and more blur with my wet eyes, this time one drop couldn’t control her and falls form my right eye.

I think of shouting “ Oh hell…!!! I don’t even know her name” I go back to my seat.

I think in bus “four hours of long journey and you fool could not talk to her even single word, at least you could have asked her name, her number, where she belongs to ..any thing”

Reaching to uncle’s place she is still in my mind…..

Even today If I think of that journey a I feel something in my blood pumping machine. …

Pc Bhatt

Note: Protagonist is not me but its true story.

प्रकाश का आ्ह्वान ..

ये उमस ये अधूरापन,

कुछः रोये खडे से,

कूछ आखे रुआसू,

ना गिरता पानी,

न सम्हले पलको से ही

कुछ याद भी नही,

पर कुछ याद आ रहा,

खिची हुइ मुस्कान

पर हसी का नाम नही

ये बदली सि लगी चहु ओर

श्याम से श्यामल करने निशा,

ये तेरा चरम हे अन्धेरा

ये सीम है सन्नाटे की

ये घुटन का अन्तिम हे प्रहार,

अब तो अरुन का होना है आगमन 

तुम ना सह सकोगे उसे 

करो प्रस्थान ए रात के दूत..

ले चलो सन्ग ये धुन्ध, ये निराश, ये निश्वास .

मॆ करू आह्वान प्रकाश...

Monday 22-09-08

Monday: 

22-09-08:

Time:  5:49 pm

There is so much of turbulence inside, strange commotion: Sitting on my cozy bed after my late lunch, I am thinking. I pick up the pencil and paper and start scraping on it. 

                                             I am thinking, thinking wide, thinking deep: thinking of the day till this time: I see surging emotions, anxiety, fear, all sorts of negative thoughts. I bring my mind clock back to morning 6 O’clock, the first time I opened my eyes hearing irritating sound of my alarm in my mobile. I had beautiful dreams; in one dream I won the swimming among friends, in another I saw snake, water, all the things my mom call Hari (god). According to her morning dreams always turn true; when you see Hari (snake, monkey, water, dog and all sort of green thing) it is good for your coming day.

                              I thank mom “Wow no Monday morning blues, thanks mom.” Today there is no office (as I worked on Sat& Sunday), what else you could ask for on Monday. I keep my mobile on silent mode and cover my self form toe to head. One of my friends sent me a mail last day saying “Everyday is gift of god, some gifts are exiting, some don’t turn up the way you think it will.” I think I would rather open up my gift later today and stick to bed. 

      Around 11 O’ clock Josh Da (my roomy) bid me good bye. I turn around, and think it is right time to open up gift now. I get up and see my cell blinking alerts, I check it is a missed call, Let me open it “1 missed call from Rupa”. “Mom you can never be wrong..!!” Again I get an alert again “2 messages” let us open inbox “ Rupa and Shashi”. Now I believe in my friend mail about gifts. 

 Before moving ahead a little introduction: Ladies first…..!

( Rupa: I believe she is intimate and one of the most respected friends of mine. The only person who knows all about futile and idiotic things I did to just talk to a girl I fell in love with. She is complete fun; I never think before I speak to her I always say “Ke Fark Penda Hai” a person everybody would want to have in his/her life. I love her , however I am not in love with her.

 

Shashi: My friend come colleague in IBM, really nice person. With whom I worked on a tool to increase the efficiency of the Engineers, we worked on it on last Friday and submitted to the management, we were expecting an overwhelming response form the management.)

                   

 There is no doubt in my mind which one to choose first, even ladies first makes her sms obvious choice. 

She writes “Don’t dare to call& send me sms ever”

I rub my eyes twice and read it again, but the bloody content doesn’t get changed. 

Somehow I recover and do courage to open up another message.

Shashi writes: “Aree Prakash. No response from leads da. He he he :-@”

I literally smile on the way he has conveyed the message. A typical south Indian way.

                          

  I get on to work with heavy heart 1st reply to Rupa. 

“I need to talk to u….

will call u later in d evening….”

To Shashi:

  “No problem…..our job is done”  I meant we did our work rest is up to them.

I am about to get up. I get a call from “Rupa”.

She:  “May I talk to Prakash please”. (So formal today)

I:  “U are welcome mam” (in a very heavy way …morning without brushing)

She: “Tumane mujhe samajh kya rakha hai” (???)

I: “ha…?” 

She: what do u think of yourself? (Real kali mata avatar)

I: “ Wo…main …ha…” ( Dil chahata hai”s Saif flashes before me)

She: “Aaaj se mujhe call bhe mat karana na sms hi” (I love her Bangali accent but now no bangali accent pure hindi …????)

I: “Let me …!!!!!!!!!!!!”

She: “Tum jaise ladako ko main ….(old hackneyed comment) 

          Kya smajah ke raat ko 12 baje SMS kiya …bla bla.. .

          main waise …bla bla 

            my family ..bla bla …your family  bla bla …

  ….Tum pata nahi kya….bla bal ..”

(will she ever stop).

I: “ let me explain. It that is my mistake I am sorry. But ...”

She : “Our relation is over finish , khatam …main tum jaise ladako se koi matalb nahi ..bla bla …..” (tum जaise ..???)

I: “What do u mean by “Tum Jaise”. Listen, if you say it is finished it is , but mujhe badnam to mat karo , At least have the image the world thinks about me. …\...”

She hangs up.

I: “There are the instances…Hello …hello …” beep… beep sound and a deep silence.

I go to the bathroom take brush and look at myself in the mirror brushing and thinking about the instances:

Her shouting sound is still echoing in my ear. I finish the brushing and again go to the bed picking up the news paper.

                    As Rupa believes in horoscope I think of checking it out:

It writes: “Past mistakes can be resolved ….

                 Contact with others, you will find most challenging task is effortless, life will be balance ….bla bla …” and so many good things. 

Now I believe in saying “If you believe all what you read you better stop reading”

Again I am in the bathroom, it has become thinking cube for me today.

I recite poetry:

्रहिमन धागा प्रेम का , मत ्तोडो ्चट्काय

तोडे फ़िर ना जु्डे , जुडे गाठ पडि जाय”   

Moreover I am thinking “It is not my mistake, nor I am responsible, I used to send her sms with my weird philosophy before also, just to make her laugh. This time it was just bit late.” 

I am not much worried abut the broken bond; I know it going to alleviate with some time and tears. I was virtually ready instead. But why this sentence is eating me, why there is hammer blow once it hits my mind “ Tum Jaise Ladke”

Tum Jaise Ladake: “ It is a direct challenge to my character, my family, my friend, my thinking for that matter everything related to me” 

                        I don’t know how to react on it, a flood of hormones rushes inside me, heart is baffled, and mind is numb. 

It is now 12 Noon. 

                             I start typing her message: “u have totally mistaken me as I don’t know what, but I have pious image of  ur’s. We shared a great relationship, if it had to come to an end it could be far better way. This might be the girls way of doing things …

Any ways I get time to talk to people after 10 or 11 in the evening. ..u felt it odd , I am extremely sorry …

               For the god sake  don’t bring my or ur family in between, ..

Tumako mujh pe gussa hai, mujh par galiya nikalo , mujh par chillao , mujhe maro ..sorry the last one is not applicable …ye dare ware wale message karane ki kya jarurat hai….

…..

I was wondering you have a problem with my call/sms, …..the time I do..or the contant of the messages….

Madam ji Monday ko aap hi mana karati hai call karane ko….

Agar manager ka guss mujh par nikal rahi hai to ye bat acchi nahi ..

I wish you a pure mind and 

Healthy heart ..

Good day …”

There is emotional imbalance, I smile, I get filled with anger, I feel guilty….

After the sms I go for hunting food, I open fridge, but my roomies are not generous enough to keep something left-out for me. 

                   Someday knocks at the door: I open “Oh aunty aap”(our maid). She starts cleaning room and doing dishes. I switch on the television, some comedy serials are coming, I find none funny. 

          It is almost an hour now, aunty has done all the chores and leaving for the day. I am not on my peace, I go to the bed, and the thought starts hammering me again.

“Who am I?”

“What is my type?’ 

“What is my character?”

“What are my values?”

I am turning paranoiac now “Is there anything wrong with the values and the philosophy I have been nursing these years?”

 I turn the pages of newspaper, “no news is good news today and of no good” I say in my head. 

       

I think of cooking, as it is the best stress buster according to Alok Da (my roomy a great cook indeed), I do not look for magi or sup. Rather I go to the fridge pick up pumpkin (लो्की) some tomato, some pomegranate (अनार) and “Mausami(््मोसमी)”. I start chopping “लो्की” after playing song on my mobile. It started “ सोचा नही था ्तकदीर यहा लायेगि..” sad song form Kaante , it was just a random selection by the mobile but the it confirmed me that it is really not my day.

             While I am chopping the vegetables I get a miss call, it is my sister. I call her back; she wants to remind me that I promised her phone bills. I have to recharge her phone: 

         ( Oh Sh##..!!!! It is 8 o clock and I did not do recharge for her. I m going to do it right now…..

               To be continued ….)

I pick up the bike come to reaching the recharge shop:

I: “Sir BSNL का रिचा्र्ज कुपन देना..”

Him :”101 Rs sir”

I: “ All over India chalega na”

Him : नही सर , ्नम्बर कहा का है i “

I: “ Uttranchal Ka”

Him :” Sir ्नही ्चलेगा”

Now it is approved Today is not meant for me. 

Back to 3:30 pm :

I treat my sister as a kid; she would be the last parson whom I go to take any advice form. While talking to her she senses I am not in good. She inquires so I tell her “Somebody said bad about me, for sending sms”. 

I just ask:

“Is it that bad to send sms around 12”

She quietly says “How would you feel if somebody; though my friend sends me sms or calls me middle of the night”

 Before she could finish my hot fluid starts hitting my mind.

I say “I will bang him right before you” 

She says: “it’s so simple, Say sorry to her”

I think in my mind “What…????????” (no support form anywhere..poor me)

She continues: “I can’t bear anybody saying any bad abut my brother” 

I think deeper “Does this make sense..? 

                          Yes it does….” 

Now there is complete shift of paradigm, my thinking is going reverse. I start feeling guilty. I should say sorry, yes it is right…..

 

                     

   After her call, I pick up Anar and open up it to get seeds out to have juice. I assemble grinder to have it grinded; it was a one hand operating grinder. Now I am grinding hard, I feel like pulling my heart away and grind it too, but the solid ribs stopped me doing so …

After Anar it was “mausamis” turn. I am pouring all my stress in it, and I feel coking is really a good stress buster, suddenly the grinding stops not because it is done but because of grinder breaks down. It is re stamping on the point that the day is not mine.

                                      I laugh and drink all the juice with all pulp and the seeds. I see my vegetable is ready “लॊकी की ्सब्जी” I pick up few pieces and taste it. It is worst I have ever cocked, though I have burned vegetables many times but that tasted better than this. What is wrong …!! Salt, turmeric, spices, or simply the time. 

I loiter here and there for some time and pick up Sunday times, let us see want is written for the coming week in horoscope. It writes:

 “This will be truly fine week in which you will find satisfaction in all spheres, work, family love and marriage. You gain at home and work; you will develop an understanding and report with people who are part of your personal think tank, this causes an energizing effort on both money matters and affairs of the heart.” 

              A single line of good fortune cause me this trouble: how I am going to handle this week god only knows:

            Great people say “if you don’t correct your mistake, you are committing another”

           Now I am going to say sorry to Rupa if she picks up the call.

           Let us c……..

पी ्सी भट्ट .....