“Vodka >= God”

My experiment with liquor.

“Can I join you?” These were the words to a bunch of sophisticated girls (indicated by short and skimpy clothes) of a shy village boy in a dance club. And guess what was the answer ..?????

It was my visit to my native after 2 years; bloody job steals everything from you and puts some currency in your pocket to keep you alive to be slave of the company owners so called “the haves”. But thanks to Rajat who succumb to the force called marriage form Suchi and decided to get married and I got reason to go north India: May Vodka keeps him happy!!

Before going to north I decided to prepare for his marriage and the upcoming critical analysis of my looks, clothes, behavior and interpersonal skills form all: my mom, granny, relatives, friends and all loved ones. I was really scared of the fact that job had taken away lot of my flash, and everybody will expect gift, specially my two sisters (cousin) who had already ordered one dress each and by default sari will be in the list of all my aunts.

I very well knew how to put on weight, because we (me and friends) had done only that in college. So I joined the gym, increased diet but fatless content. Second thing and more importantly I thought of doing experiment with alcohol this time: I was teetotaler and heard so many benefits of it.

I first started with beer, brought 2 canes of Kingfisher premium the day my both roommates were not home. If they knew they would have kicked me out without giving me chance to explain. I opened the cane premium “Oh hell it stinks!!” I somehow put it in my mouth but went directly to sink to spit it out: it was bitter than Neem. I opened fridge and opened Sprite bottle (thanks to Joshda my roomy who loves cold drinks) and took one sip of it and than tried to mix beer with it in my mouth. I could have thrown it and drank Sprite, but the male ego inside me didn’t allow me to throw the cow pee (both taste same, once my mom made me drink cow pee to make me pure).

After lot of struggle I finished the cane but nothing happened I was sober no shaking of feet, mind and all senses working perfectly fine, I got to know this after I tried to call “her”, I picked phone search “her” number but couldn’t press the button call, that’s the point, I cant call when I am not drunk neither I can when I finished cane, it doesn’t work. But my nose was making me uncomfortable because I was not able to stand my own stinking mouth. I ate every spice at home to get rid of it: finally onion worked out which again is pungent so I ate toothpaste to mitigate effect, now I think my senses were really out. Alcohol doesn’t work that way so I gave in. Now my only hope was one of my very close friends “Mayank” who had good hands on things my mom says no to.

I plan to go to Gurgaon four days early to have crash course on alcohol from him.

First I met with my uncle who lives in Gurgaon shared emotions collected from last two years with everybody, at first kids didn’t recognize me but after 4-5 hours I was donkey and they were riding on me, seeing the laugher of kids and the love I firmly believed in institution of marriage and even planned for at least one daughter in my family. Suddenly I remembered that I came there for alcohol but hooked with ice creams, chocolates and kids, then the Sunday came and Mayank came to pick me up. I saw him he looked different like a grown up man with wide shoulders black goggles instead of thick glass and was looking dashing; I first thought is it the alcohol or he got somebody special. Anyway he took me to his room: I felt relaxed because it was A/C; I opened fridge to have water but I got lost in bottles of different brands of alcohol but couldn’t find water bottle, now I was confirmed that the secret of glow on his face was this fridge.

Without wasting time Mayank asked his friend come cousin come roommate to have it started; he opened the fridge but none of the bottles were having enough liquor to suffice, he took all the bottles and mixed it in jug and put cold drink in it. I asked him what drink was that, he said “Jaljeera” which in sophisticated language is cocktail. With shaking hand I took up glass, stick it to lips and had a sip, the smell went in to my nose numbing it and the liquid burned my tongue from its root in my deep throat, but I liked it. It was kind a virgin girl exposed to love making. Snacks and the Jaljeera was our brunch that day. I passed qualifying test to Mayank’s class, but one thing I noticed that Jaljeera worked as lubricant and I became fluent in English within an hours of its intake. I wished I would have taken this in college time, may be I could have talked to “her”, what village boy needs to boost confidence “the English”. I danced regardless anybody joined or not, I did lift barbell to exercise and made a record of 300 at a time. I knew what I was doing but I loved loosing myself.

Our next destination was to see the chicks of Gurgaon, he took me to the biggest toll of Asia and the biggest mall of Asia “the Ambiance mall”. It was yet not rush hour but I was astonished to see the beauty of Gurgaon, worst thing living in south India is your flavor gets changed form strawberry to chocolate. I couldn’t bear the beauty, I felt shy when I saw kids looking at me (I consider girl students as kids especially below 18), the way they were dressed up my god! You could easily tell their size man.

We entered the mall and started eye surfing standing near the center. There was music and somebody was shouting something on a stage: nearby few of his colleagues were doing weird exercises to promote their fitness center. Suddenly the announcer came near us and took us to the stage and asked to do crunches. Three of our competitor were already there, he asked our name and asked us to start, I hid behind Mayank, we hadn’t eaten anything, did lot of dance and exercise how could we beat the muscle man who was already ready to rock. Anyway we passed ball on them saying we will do at last.

First guy with good build and overconfidence came and did 57 crunches, thanks to cocktail which made us stand there not run. The anchor said next, Mayank pushed me and I laid down to save myself form insult. As I started, I made easily 20 the cocktail in my vain was so strong that I didn’t feel tiredness and I thought I could make thousand at a time but later on succumb at 75, Mayank crossed 50; I won Nike t-shirt making highest and he got towel for crossing 50, we were overwhelmed by winning and moreover making personal best in our lives. I was slowly recognizing the power of liquor and how Vijay Malya collected the fortune.

I saw my foots going toward the girls promoting fitness center, may be the cheer form the crowed and liquor in my vain was bringing male inside me at its best, I went to them and asked them if they had some water, which they didn't have but my thirst was gone just talking to those angelic beauties.

Our next target was bowling center; this was my first time I went to any bowling centers, bloody ball cost us 500 bucks just to throw 20 times and the wired shoes cost 35 bucks a pair (just to wear once), but you enjoy watching balls (of the female participants nearby you) more then just playing ball, so it worth that much. I was happy because I won the match and was more happy playing it and watching. Sometime my mom’s words “only one is yours and every other woman in the world is your sister” were making me uncomfortable to watch the balls or the women who wear “watch me” dresses. I was saying in my head “mom I can’t see that hotty as my sister, may be she is the one you were talking about”.

We returned his residence and had dinner, by the time the divine effect of alchemy of Jaljeera was gone. Suddenly “Mr. A.” friend of his dropped in with his girl friend both drunk, I got to know this by seeing only the millimeters of distance between them and guys playful hand on girl’s open waist: moreover the English the guy was speaking and girl’s gestures to suppress the effect and show sober confirmed me. They asked for drink again but fortunately we had nothing in fridge: We emptied it in the day and there left some beer bottles, which they opened and offered me. I reminded the taste once I had it so denied politely. Now they offered to show us night life of Gurgaon, means dance clubs promising free entry. Mayank said “You both go man! They wont let us enter, you know about couple entry and I am not yet gay with pc (my nick name)”, and we laughed. He said he knows the owner well and goes every week he will get us enter.

We changed the clothes; I saw his girl friend turning into hot girl wearing “mini skirt and skimpy upper”, it did not surprise me because within few hours I became habitual of that kind of sight and I said in head “you are right mom!! I have to consider her as my sister after all friend’s friend’s girl friend she is”

This time we picked car “Mr. A” took the steering: Who I did not believe could drive in this condition; but to console myself and confident him I said we have full confidence in him he only should drive. On the way we checked the papers were not in the car. With such a driver no papers…! I caught my heart tight, with the gone effect of liquor the fear crept inside me; I was like superhero that lost all his powers. We reached the building where the Disco club was located, with the weird driving and more weird talks of Mr. A our entry pass.

They picked the beer bottle and we stepped in the lift. We all went to rest room there they opened the bottle everybody drank and insisted on me saying you can’t enjoy without it. I said I enjoy dancing so would not be big deal and avoided cow pee.

Now we all went to the entry gate but the bouncers didn’t allow two people with just one couple, then “Mr. A” called up the guy he know, and made him talk to the fellow but they said they will allow only one. So I was odd man out by choice. I was becoming nervous after the effect of Jaljeera was gone; I couldn’t stand there embarrassed seeing “Mr.A” arguing hard with the fellow. Finally I pulled off and sat there, they discussed with whatever brain alcohol had left in them. Finally they decided to go in and send “Mr. A’s” girl friend Miss K out to take me in.

They went in and I went someplace alone started thinking “mom would you ever allow me to come here drunk to dance with half necked girls?? In first place would you ever allow me to drink?’ I was lost in my own world, and Miss K called me, I took off my cap (taken form 1920 fashion), put confident smile on my face and went in. The fellow put a stamp on my hand and asked 500 bucks which I paid without any argument, Miss K gave her hand too for stamp the one which was not having stamp.

I saw my hand that was written LC means last chance, I thought what an irony this is my first chance in any disco and the disco itself is last chance.

As I entered in I saw a real hell or may be heaven of pleasure, full of hedonists enjoying acoustic, liquor and flash: People rubbing with each other shouting, madly enjoying the colorful light and the perfumed smoke thrown on them. We started dancing: the couple stuck together leaving me and Mayank as free electrons who were dancing in different shells. I was dancing and observing people: I found some women gazing on me specially those who already were with somebody; but some free electrons were also there in girls; May be interested in me, but with the Jaljeera effect was gone how could I even see them. Suddenly I saw a “gay” drunk and half necked tempting guys, then I saw another with bunch of girls; I ran to another corner and thought “movies are mirror of the society is not a wrong saying”.

There I saw a young girl nicely dressed in bunch of four girl friends, she was wearing white, I cant say what was that but no body part (what man usually looks at) was visible either directly or through the cloth, which was different and caught hold of me, but I couldn’t even stare at her because of the Jaljeera effect was gone. After sometime dance took away drink effect form everybody and “Mr. A” proposed a plan of drinking out, because we couldn’t have afforded to be really drunk there.

We took car and again “Mr. A” on wheel and started flying towards Delhi, on the way somebody was asking for lift “Mr. A” took car towards the man and pulled of speedily, the man jumped and fell off and “Mr. A” laughed devilishly and fucked his family with words. I cant understand how one enjoys cursing/ abusing somebody, do they really imagine having sex with other persons family.. what the hell ..fuck off!!!

After a long drive we turned around and parked car: he asked me to get a drink. But I couldn’t see liquor shop; the only shop was small shop with cold drinks and fag. He said go inside, take money in your hand and put it under the shutter. I exactly did the same and guess what! I got bottle Vodka and change back. I took some cold drink, chips and plastic cups too and went back in car.

Mayank was making drinks and everybody was chatting loud and louder with every drink, the English was coming form my mouth with the speed of 125 wpm may be 150 as I guess highest frequency I ever had. There I explored heart of all there people and at heart all are good people, and by the time we finished drink it was already 3 am in the morning. We started back to LC, on the way “Mr. A” felt hungry, we stopped at some “Dhaba” where all had “Paranthas” and tee and then headed towards LC, and he showed me call girls too on way.

After reaching the LC we started dancing again, this time I was really enjoying everything the lights, music, glaring, unfortunately not the rubbing, but the dance a lot. After sometime I saw the same group of girls, this time Vodka was with me so I started first eye contact, I figured out she is interested (my optimistic approach), I went very close to them and slowly started dancing nearby. After sometime I barged in the ring of theirs and asked her:

“Can I join you?” she could not hear. I went close very close to her and asked in her ear “Can I join in?” she nodded in yes. I said in head “Vodka you are god in fact more than god, god never helped me: when I prayed in such or any situation where girls are involved you always rejected my plea”. Now I was dancing with her, wow what a feeling, I started talking to her in loud music for proximity (it makes you lean on her and whisper in ear) and it was happening well, moreover I had started separating her form the bunch of girls. But wherever there starts love the villain comes, god didn’t liked my putting Vodka before him and send some devils in the form of bouncers. They asked me to go out pushing me, seeing their build I dropped the idea of protest, I looked in the eyes of girl, confirmed myself that she was happy and went out.

Why the hell this had to happen to me!! I asked the main bouncer “Lets settle the matter, what is the problem, girl herself asked me to dance with her (vodka is really powerful)”

He said “no discussion, you won’t dance with her means you wont” and went in.

I sat down there and started thinking about my Vodka love (I named it because after having vodka I could approach her):

What would be her name? Her address, her mobile no, and why these buggers are not letting me to be close to her, everything seemed to be mystery. In the mean time all came asking me what happened. I narrated the story of my vodka love; they felt pity on me and consoled me: As well as scared me too saying things can go really wrong in such situation, and asked me to be careful.

I again went in and started searching her, I found her again with her friends rejecting everybody’s request to dance with her (my optimistic perception again): as I went close to her I found wall of bouncers around me, this time I stopped vodka pushing me and just enjoyed glaring at her and being free electron.

We both remain loyal till the time I left “Last Chance” in disappointment, because being free election I couldn’t attract any one, and negatively charged she repelled everybody, as my observation says.

We started driving back to home around 5 am the sun was about to explode and eat up the dark. Badly drunk, exhausted we were running fast under the mercy of Mr A driving. Suddenly he stopped the car, what I saw I couldn’t believe; I rubbed my eyes and came out…….

PC Bhatt….