Marriage “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly”:
"I am not going to marry, I have decided it, and I am going to suggest the same to my kids too."
‘Marriage’ - the word has been haunting me for quite a while. My father got married while he was 16 so you can imagine what a long haunting dream it would be for me. I have heard in psychology books that, if I get this marriage thing out of my chest I would be healed, let us see.
In India we have two kinds of marriages one is ‘love marriage’, where you marry your girlfriend and another one is arrange marriage, where you marry someone else's girlfriend. I like neither of them; so some very creative people came up with a solution called “Love cum arranged marriage”. Some bold people joined the cult of “live-in's” too, but that is just a physical union and I do not consider it as marriage. Some people joined another cult of “being gay” that I consider as neither marriage nor a union, so it is out of this league. Interesting is “Love cum arranged” a third kind, where you search for a guy/girl of your own religion, your own cast, the same socio-economic strata, where you share some common interests and start loving him/her. After a few days, months or may be years you cajole your parents to accept him/her as an “in law” and arrange the rest, so it becomes ‘love Came to become Arranged’ or ‘Love cum arranged’.
I had been in to love for the past 3 days. Unfortunately, on the third day, the girl asked me about my thoughts on marriage which I described “It is an investment with no returns and dividends, where you lose the biggest asset of your life called freedom and get the biggest liability of your life called spouse; but people still fall for it lured by short term benefits called honeymoon.” so she immediately broke up with me. I thought there is something wrong with me, and to figure it out I went to one of my closest friends, the most successful, happiest and the most intelligent among us and married to the love of his life; however I doubt his intelligence after marriage. I asked him about marriage and this is what he said “It is cool! Go ahead do it”. That’s it, I wasn't convinced. So one day a bunch of us friends went to a good bar & restaurant; after downing about 120 ml of vodka, ‘truth and philosophy’ were on the table. My now-not-so-intelligent-after-
1. If you want to have the sole custody of a magical gadget called “TV-Remote” and are particular about the shows you watch. “Don’t marry”
2. You love the random order of your bachelor life, and don't want things to be disturbed. If you don’t want to ask for things every time, “Don’t marry”.
3. You want to cook one day and eat for at least three days and hate doing the dishes for somebody else. Don’t marry.
4. You want to be in bed for as long as you feel like, and not get cursed for it. And most importantly don't want to make your bed. Don’t marry.
5. You want to use the couch as a couch, bed, dining table or playing ground. Don’t marry.
6. You can afford a maid and a cook who don't complain about you being gross or not bringing groceries home. Don’t marry.
7. You don't have money. Never marry, if you mind being slave.
8. You don't believe in monogamy. Or you are single and they are double. Absolutely not recommended.
9. If you believe in changing others than yourself. You better not be a part of society.
10. He/she is so ugly, has lot of money and you think plastic surgery could fix it. It’s a hoax.
11. You hate sharing and need a personal corner, in a woman’s words “you are a selfish pig”. Better be alone.
12. You were badly drunk and you proposed all your girlfriends to marry and all accepted. Dude you know how badly you are screwed.
Some sad after-marriage facts: divorce rate is soaring up in India; its 1.1 % raise may be much more under the carpet because of social stigma attached to it. And it’s more in middle class and among educated people. The saddest part is that it’s highest in IT and in Bangalore.
Marriage related disease physical, mental & psychological have gone way high. Domestic violence has bumped too high; every day you can see the beaten husbands in hospitals or bars. Homicide related to it has gone too high lately, and shocking is IT sector is the first one to catch these disease. I don’t know whether we are aping the west or developing but certain things India has picked, can’t say from where. Like impatience, intolerance, irreverence, infidelity, indulgence, indolence, and many more in’s and im’s. There is a paradigm shift from “Family success to individual success”, from “Social wellbeing to monitory success”, “From asceticism to hedonism” from “eternal bond to move on” so on and on.
I asked one of my erudite philosopher friends about the marriage and its success in life, he gave me a theory and a rule. The theory for before marriage life and rule for worse half. I call it 40 minutes theory. I haven't tested it yet but it says “If you sit with a person for 40 minutes and feel like sitting for next 40 years with him/her you should get married and to the same person”. And golden rule is “change the things you can’t accept and accept the things you can’t change and if nothing works change yourself”.
In the midst’s of all these facts, figures and feelings I happened to go through the lecture on positive psychology by Dr. Tal Ben Shahar from Harvard College, where he says “marriage benefits the males more, because they have “I can handle it myself” male ego aura around them, which they need to break once the spouse comes in. First of all sharing itself is a great healing process and ‘we’ are always better than ‘I’ or ‘you’ to face any trouble or problem.
I have a proof for it, once I was in trouble and found myself in deep thinking in a corner while my other friends were having fun. One friend of mine came to me and asked what happened. I said nothing and ignored him. But he kept on pestering me and told me a theory I call it 5-95 theorem which says “If you are in trouble or problem you can think of only 5 solutions while the other person having panorama of your situation can think of 95 solutions; so there are fair chances of his solution being better. And he got me out of my trouble that day.
Once I had been to my uncle's places he has two little daughters, initially they didn't recognized me but afterworlds I played the whole day with them, I don't like ice-creams and chocolates that much because of no nutrition value in it but with kids , I was eating those stuff all day. I hate the cacophony of city or people or kids; but that day I was reason or part of it, enjoying myself to the fullest. That day I realized I could die for a smile on kids face and it worth’s taking all the pain of the entire world for few such moments. If this is the fruit of “Marriage” then it is the greatest institution mankind has ever created, it is the safest, smartest, happiest way of human survival. And I was so good with kids; I found my alternate career as baby sitter too.. he he . :). So if you are planning for kids or have small kids please call me…;).
Finally I imagine, you reach home after a hard day at office; tired, stressed, enervated and you see a beautiful smile, feel a tender touch and get a lovely kiss from loved ones and all your tensions are gone in a click, that is the beauty of marriage. Marriage is the only institution and math where one plus one is eleven and marriage makes life live.
“The marriage” go for it, preserve it and savor joy of it."
Love…
PC Bhatt
